Four ideas to help today’s kids delay gratification
By Tim Elmore
One of the best decisions my parents ever made was during the summer of my junior year. I begged them to let me go to Bobby Leonard’s Sports Camp, a state over and three hours away. I annoyed them enough to convince them that it was a good idea.
My parents dropped me off on Sunday and expected to pick me up the following Saturday. The place was beautiful, with baseball fields, basketball courts, and soccer fields. At first it seemed like heaven, but by Monday night I was begging my mom and dad to let me come home.
I felt nostalgic.
My parents handled this problem brilliantly. They listened to my complaint, they empathized with my feelings, they even remembered moments when they felt nostalgic as children. Then, however, they didn’t just nod. They told me that before they drive three hours to rescue me, I should wait another day or two. We could talk once a night, but they wisely taught me that learning to master negative emotions was good for my growth. They said if I felt the same way on Wednesday they would drive for me.
Phew! We meet in the middle. I had a game plan for a solution, but I also had the opportunity to grow. And that’s what happened. By Wednesday, our phone conversation was different. I made some friends, enjoyed the daily competitions and loved the late night laughs in our bunk beds. I ended up staying.
Everyone won because my parents didn’t give up on me. Instead, they taught me.
We’re living in a different day
I spoke with the Executive Director of a summer camp in August. Summer was over and so were the week-long camps. The summer seemed long because his patience was short. When I asked him what made this summer so difficult, his answer surprised me.
This principal was more concerned with the number of campers leaving early.
A disproportionate number of children had requested and received an early release. They were rescued by parents. Why? A camper complained that a cabinmate told her that the shampoo she used was a bad brand. She felt intimidated. Another camper wanted to come home because another camper said he shouldn’t wear “that” shirt with “those” shorts. She hurt her feelings. Still another complained that fellow campers did not share her hammock one afternoon.
In each case, parents jumped in to save the day.
My question is: Are understanding adults often part of the reason young people aren’t learning problem-solving skills, resilience, and resourcefulness? Did we sabotage delayed gratification? Could it be that determination and growth are stunted because we risk too little and bail out too fast?
Cultivating growth and determination in today’s students
From a biological point of view, the adolescent brain is like a train wreck. First, it’s low in myelin, the coating that allows various regions to communicate with each other. Next, the prefrontal cortex is developing at a rapid rate, so topics a child once took for granted, like believing his parents know what they’re talking about, now seem ripe for reappraisal. Finally, in addition to seemingly acting on every impulse, a teenager is scheduled to separate from her parents. This is natural and healthy, but that doesn’t make it any easier for a parent or teacher.
We want to rescue. We are breeders. We want you to be comfortable, safe and happy. But we must teach them to be resilient too.
Four ideas for teaching delayed gratification
1. Follow the 48 hour rule.
This combats the urge to buy on impulse or to react to something in the heat of the moment. It is advisable for students to follow the 48 hour rule, which means that they delay a purchase or reaction for two days if it is not essential. Waiting almost always helps children restore a sense of logic to their minds and calms their emotional reactions. David’s son, Nick, asked him to buy a portable device one day, but David was trying to develop in him the ability to delay gratification. So, David bought the device, but told Nick that he would keep it so his son could pay the fees. This was a wait longer than 48 hours, and Nick developed an incredible ability to wait gratefully for what he received.
2. Invite a confidante to hold you accountable.
Acquire the ability to delay gratification when I invite accountability into my life. Every year, I find people I respect and deeply trust to trust. As I discuss the options before me, I know my accountability partner will be honest with me about my contrived logic. The author Jonathan Haidt says that our brain works like a rider on an elephant. The rider is our rational mind; the elephant is our subconscious impulses. Although the rider tells the elephant where to go, the elephant is bigger and tends to go where it wants. At this point, the rider rationalizes a bad decision to make it seem logical. Whistleblowers detect this and may hold students accountable.
3. Make the uncomfortable decision.
Emotions can be unpredictable, but they are connected to our decision making. Human beings are programmed to find shortcuts, seek pleasure, and find the path of least resistance. We naturally look for comfort zones. To deepen their courage, challenge teens to choose the less comfortable path when faced with a fork in the road. To be honest, I find that I tend to do the easy, fast, or fun things first instead of doing things first. If teens do what’s hard, not what’s easy, they’ll find their value expands. If you accept the uncomfortable, it will soon become more comfortable.
4. Think long term, think big picture, finish what you started.
I can delay gratification by thinking about what is best for my long-term future. When I think about what I want in the future, it’s easier for me to have a bigger vision. I am wiser when I face difficulties. Children should not give up what they want most for what they want now. My wife and I had our kids pick one activity each season and finish it. Setting and completing a goal is a surefire way to delay gratification. I have found that the further we can see, the better the choice we will make.
NBA legend Lebron James is doing something I thought wasn’t possible. He is trying to be an assistant coach for his sons’ high school basketball team. He’s not doing this to meddle in the boys’ lives. He is doing it to stay involved in their teenage years and to make sure they work hard when they can be given a break because of their last name. He is sitting at the end of the bench, getting water or towels for the players during timeouts and cheering them on. In practice, though, he’s working to make sure they’re building value. I love this goal. We must stay involved in students’ lives not to rescue them, but to prepare them for a successful life.
